Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Build A Bridge and Get Over It

Well I moved into the new house and its ok. I still don't feel as though I'm home though. It's like all of us are paying rent equally but yet I have to ask about everything. I want a dog and I'm a grown ass woman who can take care of it so how is anyone going to disagree. I love my Grand-mom to death but she is slowly making me hate her. She always has to show off when my aunt is here. I can't stand fake people. The dog situation is only a small part. It's the look that she gives that makes me feel like complete and utter shit. Sometimes things can be good but now that we moved its like this is all hers and we are just staying with her. I have never felt like I had a home and I thought that once we moved out of my aunts house it would be different. Its like if my cousins and I are laughing about something and they say a joke its funny but when I say something I get a head shake like what the fuck. The crazy thing is that after everyone leaves she'll act different where everything is good for a while. I don't even know why I air my business out over the internet but fuck it. I need to get it off my chest but no one to really talk to. If I do talk to someone I'm either told to suck it up or they don't believe me. I doubt anyone really reads this shit anyway but if they do oh well. These are my feelings and this is me.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Pissed

I am just so overwhelmed and stressed out. Tomorrow I start moving into my new house. What should be a joyous occasion is not. Its been hell living with my aunt. I can't have company but my cousins can. It's a problem if even family wants to come over. If I'm dating a guy they can't come inside. We have to sit outside. When my boyfriend would come see me he always had different cars and because neighbors would only see me coming out and getting in the car they thought I was a prostitute and whore. Now I'm moving into a new neighborhood and supposedly a better environment just to be told by Grandmom that I can't have company. Mind you I paid rent at my aunt's house and I will be paying rent at the new house. The crazy thing is the house doesn't belong to any of us. We are all in there under equal circumstances. I just cant take it anymore. My cousin said I could stay with her and ever since she did I haven't heard from her. I was supposed to start my new job on Monday but they recently informed me I can't begin until December which means I can't even move into my own place until maybe February. I'm so scared I'm going to start having panic attacks again. I'm just so lonely. The people I always thought would be there for me isn't. This isn't life and I'm exhausted with dealing with the bullshit. I need some type of assistance and prayer. I don't think anyone understands how I feel. My whole life I never felt like I was ever at HOME. Like in eighth grade my teacher called all the parents in the class to tell their parents they were being bad. Instead of picking out the kids who were actually being bad the class suffered as a whole. Most kids a week or so punishment but not me. I was kicked out and sent to live with my aunt. It wasn't too bad because there wasn't much supervision. My little cousin would always say she didn't want me here and she even steals from me now. When my teacher told my mom that it wasn't me that I wass actually being teased by the others she just said oh, well come home. My favorite one is when she would tell me that she would ship me off to Florida to be with my dad's family. When they would scream get out and I stayed because they didn't want tot go through the hassle of the eviction process. I'm really mad at myself for forgiving it each time and not leaving. I'm mad that I hoped my family unit was more that it actually is. I'm mad my father died and left me to deal with the bullshit. I'm mad because I wasn't strong enough to get out a long time ago.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

BARACK THE VOTE!!!!